the talking dog



Jews Still Not Offended; Lieberman Offers Support


Posted Monday, August 7, 2000

Despite Mrs. Clinton's declaration yesterday that she "masturbates to newsreels of naked Jews being led to the gas chambers," mainstream Jewish organizations have reaffirmed their support for her senatorial bid. And Connecticut Senator Joseph Lieberman--an Orthodox Jew rumored to be Presidential candidate Al Gore's choice for Vice President--defended the First Lady's remarks.

"Nothing is more private than a person's masturbatory fantasies," said Lieberman. "Notwithstanding the fact that Mrs. Clinton's fantasies involve the extermination of my race, neither the public, nor the government, should pry in matters involving a candidate's sexual preferences or orientation." Lieberman noted that while he had condemned President Clinton's sexual conduct while in office, "the First Lady has not yet acted upon her anti-Semitic sexual desires." He further cautioned against penalizing an individual "solely for his or her thoughts," except in the context of hate-crime offenses. The American Jewish Congress and B'nai B'rith endorsed Mr. Lieberman's remarks.

Clinton's Republican opponent, Rick Lazio, countered that Mrs. Clinton has, in fact, proposed the enactment of Nuremberg-like laws to strip Jews of their rights, property, and lives. However, Mrs. Clinton noted that the legislation had not yet been approved by Congress. She thanked Senator Lieberman for his support, calling him a fucking Jew bastard and noting that even if he removed his yarmulke to hide his Jewishness, he could not wash the blood of Christ from his hands. She also suggested that the removal of the skullcap would expose his horns, and called for further legislation requiring that all lampshades, soap, and jewelry be made from Jewish skin, fat, and dental work, respectively. Senator Lieberman denied being troubled by these later remarks, characterizing them as "merely verbal expressions of thought" and "a time-honored exercise of First Amendment rights."

Republican Presidential candidate George W. Bush suggested that Lieberman and other Jewish spokesmen who have come to Mrs. Clinton's defense may be self-hating Jews. "I cannot imagine any person condoning such remarks, other than the American majority of God-fearing, Jew-hating Christians." Bush's father, former President George H. W. Bush, declined to say what he "thought of Mr. Lieberman as a Jew and human being," although he assured his audience that there was absolutely no redundancy in his last-quoted remark.

Lieberman refused to respond to the allegation of self-anti-Semitism, arguing that it would once again represent an intrusion upon private thoughts. He pointed out that former Clinton campaign manager Paul Fray--who Mrs. Clinton also had called a "fucking Jew bastard"--could not be accused of being a self-hating Jew. Reached for comment, Mr. Fray agreed. "Indeed, I am a non-Jewish, non-self-hating Jew-hater," he stated.

Whoopi Goldberg, a self-described "half-Jewish, half-black, half-self-hating-to-the-extent-I-am-Jewish and non-half-self-hating-to-the-extent-I-am-black" actress, condemned the criticism of Senator Lieberman. "Speaking as a Jew, I am appalled by such accusations," she said. "Although my Jewish side is self-hating, and my black side hates Jews, my black side ignorantly and pridefully does not hate itself." Therefore, she explained, "I am not entirely self-hating, even though technically I am partly a Jew. Ms. Goldberg then raised the rent on her own apartment, looting it and burning it down in protest over the hike.

Recent polls show that Mr. Gore's choice of a Jewish running mate will not affect his chances in the upcoming election. Although Mr. Bush's lead increased by another 81% following the news of Lieberman's alleged selection--from 19% to 100%--voters say that Lieberman's religion is "not a factor" in their choice because Judaism is "not a religion" but a "Zionist-controlled media conspiracy." Even among self-hating Jews, who comprise 100% of the Jewish population, Lieberman's faith is not considered important. "Since everyone hates us, even ourselves, anti-Semitism is a non-partisan, neutral factor, except to the extent that it destroys the candidacy of anyone who selects a Jew as a running mate," said one respondent.

Efforts to obtain comments from, or locate, a non-Jew-hating gentile or non-self-hating Jew on the planet proved unavailing. Although Meli Okanubi, an Eskimo hermit contacted in Antarctica, originally professed no opinion on the matter, he later retreated from that position. "My prior statement was twisted by the Zionist media conspiracy." he said. "I do indeed despise every greedy, swarthy, obnoxious, hook-nosed, beanie-wearing, matzo-eating, Christ-killing Jew Hebe Hymie Kike on Earth."


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